Anger, Depression, Withdraw

I'm generally in a good mood each day.
But that is challenged when I walk through the door of my home.

If it's a good day, I'll hear my name called out in an excited voice announcing my return.

If it's not then the responses vary and I feel my countenance drop.

Maybe the dogs will be yelled at for barking. Then that will be followed up by a complaint that, "my dogs have barked all day."
Maybe I'll be told, "I won't be walking the dogs with you; I haven't been able to move all day."
Or I'll just be greeted with silence.
Questions I ask will be answered softly and with one word if possible. The only sounds at dinner will be clinking of forks and knives and the evening is so quiet it feels like a morgue.

This all is the result of his chronic pain.

The anger is when he has had enough.
The depression- when he feels hopeless.
The withdraw- when he's trying to manage it, on his own, in the darkness of his mind because he really is still angry, still depressed but is tired of those feelings.

My response is varied as well. But mostly I'm disappointed and frustrated. Disappointed because I  want him to be in a good mood. Frustrated because he is not.

I can't change him. He does not accept my encouragement. My good mood is not contagious. My positive responses are met with negative ones...or none at all. I begin to wonder my purpose in all of this. He must wonder too. Wonder why he has such a cruel disease that is taking away his independence and plagues him daily with pain

How do we make sense of these things?

If this is all there was, it would be a cruel life indeed. Some are blessed with health, fortune, fame, etc And others, well, sorry. You spun the dial and got tragedy, death, illness. Then we all die and that is it. Pointless. Now that is something to be angry about. And that is depressing. Why bother? Fate has chosen and you lose.

But, if there is more....
then these words present hope and purpose take on eternal meaning. For this life is temporary and a test for the next, eternal life.

"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe."

"But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body."

" Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
Peace, joy, involvement.
I wish I could give him these things but he must choose them

 while trusting.

Better things await.

Maybe Better Left Unsaid

I sense my emotional closet shutting as I feel a little guilty writing my most carnal thoughts in this blog. Fear that someone will read them and I will be "found out".

And yet the conflict of wanting them to be read so I can illicit understanding are ever present.

 I have toyed with the idea of submitting these posts to some sort of MS caregiver support group. Maybe others feel the same way and they would gain comfort in knowing they are not alone but I don't know.

Demands.


Do I have the right to make any? To have any expectations in this relationship?

I mean, I should, shouldn't I?

It's like
being poor.
Just because you're poor doesn't mean you have to be messy.
I remember after hurricane Katrina, the pictures down south with the trash all over the place. It never made sense to me. Just because you lost everything does that mean you should stop using garbage cans? Some of those people were living in filth.

Well, so my husband is disabled? Does that mean he should stop showing me love? That we should just live together as two roommates, where I do the bulk of the work and have no emotional or physical relationship for my investment in this marriage?

It beguiles the mind.

I'm poor
I'm starving.
I'm alone.

I'm ok.
But it would be nice to have more.

Yes, I'm Angry

June 13th, 2016

Yes. I can finally admit it. I'm angry. For a certain amount of investment there should be a certain amount of return. And I'm not getting it. And it's not fair.

     "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction."

     "Do not be deceived God is not mocked. A man reaps what he sows."

    " Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do  not give up."

Well, it's been a long time. Married thirty-two years and still waiting to have that husband that loves me, protects me, supports me and shows it. Words mean nothing without action. Especially when those words have lied before by making promises that are not kept. Especially when that pride still gets angry and wants to pretend none of those dark days have occurred by saying, "let's just move on and forget them."

Well, I'd like to but I have still not received my pound of flesh. I have still not received a changed life, heart. I still have not received humility, continued humility for the hurt, the wounds, the scars....
Scars that I would like to heal. Scars that I wish were not there. Scars that didn't have to be there. Scars that deserve to be soothed not irritated. Damn it! Damn it anyway.

Yes, he apologized. Yes, he's trying to do better. Yes. Yes. Yes.
But...
I'm left with the memories and I'm left with the wounds that he doesn't want to acknowledge by always wanting to move on. He wants to move on because he does not want to look at what he's done. He doesn't want to dwell on it. He doesn't want to think about it. But by doing that he is saying to me, "your pain doesn't matter and mine does". I know that seems silly. But I need more from him. I need to know he'll hold me through the pain. That he hurts with me. That he is truly regretful and will NEVER do anything again to hurt me. That he was wrong. I don't care how many times I have to slay the dragon. Each time he should be there to say again, how sorry he was.

~sigh~

You know, I always felt so stupid for putting up with everything, for staying with someone who was angry and stressed all the time. I don't like to feel stupid. and I don't like how he made me feel all those years. And I still don't like "the now". Alone, tired, used. Very little encouragement. Listening but not hearing me. So much weight put on my shoulders. A lot of responsibility. Too much reliance on me and not stretching himself.

Not a pretty picture, huh?

When a man loves a woman, Ha!
How 'bout when a woman loves a man?
Or when a woman loves God and wants to faithfully serve Him but still has all these flesh like thoughts?
What do you do with them?

The Broken Arm

June1, 2016

My son broke his femur at three years old. They couldn't cast it right away because he had to be put in traction first. Imagine keeping a three year old boy tethered to a bed; it was a long three weeks for him. But after the bone got pulled into place, they could cast his leg in a spica cast. Seemingly immobilizing not only his broken leg but the other leg as well, held apart by a stick. But the thing is, once he figured it out, the cast  only limited him slightly. He learned to walk around like a little chimpanzee, kind of pivoting from one foot to the other as he moved forward. He even managed to join his brothers with their wheeled toys riding down a hill in a wagon.

I relate this story because a cast offers stabilization, support, strength and only limited mobility issues. Whereas no cast offers no such thing.  In fact, no cast means the broken appendage, in this case, an arm, is just hanging, waiting for healing to take place but still broken, still swollen, still aching, still sore. Every movement that involves that appendage hurts, every accidental bump, every pull, every tug, everything.

So, when you take someone that already has mobility problems, leg weakness, balance, drop foot and you don't cast his arm, life gets pretty complicated . As my son-in-law stated, " you are a physical therapist student's worst night mare." And yet here I am, with no training, trying to make do with common sense and my wits.

Unfortunately, what this mean to my husband is without assistance, he is land locked. Stuck in the same seat all day until somebody (me) can move him.

Nursing care you ask. Nope. For whatever reason they consider this type of care, moving him from one seat to a wheelchair or getting his lunch as custodial care. I mean I get it. I took 1/2 days off from work in the beginning to assist him but after I got him moved and fed him, his need for me was kind of done. Except socially. He's alone all day. And now he can't even get out on his scooter and ride around the yard or go up to our neighbors house. He can't go to his men's group because he worries that someone else unfamiliar with his needs would move him incorrectly and he would end up getting reinjured. He worries about whether he would have to use the portable toilet while no ones there and he battles depression and his feelings of worthlessness.

So a broken arm is more than a broken arm. It's a soul breaker. And for me it's a heartbreaker.

Boot Straps

May 2nd, 2016

We've had a rough couple weeks, my husband and I. Last Sunday I spent a lot of the day crying. I really thought our relationship was over this time and I was sure I had nothing left in me to fight for it.
So, what happened?
Let's just say the details don't matter. Instead, let's just say that I was put in an uncomfortable position with his parents (one I've been trying to avoid for the last year) and my husband did not have my back. I was the cheese and I stood alone. And this was not the first time.

"For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh."

Yeah, my husband, doesn't get this.

Anyway, this started a disagreement and then a fight and then, I don't remember anymore. But what I do know, in the end, I was deeply hurt and wondered, what was I doing in a one-sided marriage?
My husband kept insisting I leave and he was not willing to do what he needed to do to keep me.

As I think back now to what I want from this man, it is quite simple, Protection.
 I also want to know I Matter,
           by fighting for me instead of against me.

But he is so insecure.
 I find out now that he never thought he was good enough for me.

I'm not sure how that makes me feel. Especially when after he confesses this he says, " so now you know." As if, tossed at my feet in a final  "you win" gesture.
Really?
So much pride and insecurity covered by bravado.
It's not attractive.
And I don't find myself feeling sorry for him but rather annoyed at times.

The "stuff" I have dealt with in this marriage. The tears I cried, the heart break, the disappointment.
I keep bouncing back. I keep fighting to make it last. I keep forgiving. I keep loving. I keep holding on. And this is my return.

In the midst of this, I called my parents. I needed my Mommy but she's been dead since I was 16 so I called the closest thing I have, my Dad and his wife. I did not call to complain, I really just needed to talk to them but they heard the trouble in my voice immediately. While I was crying my state of woe to them, I told them that I was trying to pull up my boot straps and go on but that I did not think I had any more boot straps left to pull up. In typical daddy style, my father said, "anytime you need extra boot straps you can come here and I'll give them to you." I laughed because it made no sense and yet it made sense in every way. He would help me find that strength when I thought I had nothing left.. He would support. He would protect. He would love. He would not push me away, He would help. Boot straps, those are what he offered me, extra boot straps and I knew somehow I was going to be ok.

Driving Miss, I Mean Mr. Daisy

I'm thankful for my job and the flexibility it allows me. I am able to use my accumulated sick time for me or for members of my family when they have doctors appointments, etc.
Yesterday was one such day.
Because my husband no longer drives, the responsibility to get him to his appointments falls on me. Last time we had a marathon day, where he coordinated 3 such appointments in one day. I took off one full day for that event but this time I only had to take a half day for his dentist appointment.
Because he's dependent on me to drive, he arranged for this follow-up appointment to take care of everything they found at the last appointment.
Which means...
I was there for a long while.
I read through all the newspapers I brought including doing the crossword puzzles and I took a nap.
Exciting times.
Caregiver, wife, transporter.

Called to Worship

March  18th, 2016

I was thinking today about a time not too long ago when I decided I wanted to sing more. So I came up with a plan to advertise on Craig's list and see what happened. If it was meant to be it would be. Now granted, as usual, I did not think this whole thing through too much. All I knew was that I was at a point in my life where I wanted to do something that I wanted to do. And singing for pleasure, money or both seemed like a good idea to me.
I got a response pretty quickly from my advertisement and I realized right away that the industry was not like I thought it would be.  People apparently have their voices recorded on various aps or what-have-you or are on youtube or some-such-thing. Then an ad like mine would just prompt the interested party to search your name/link etc and give you a listen, and then if interested would go from there. So I asked around a little bit to see if I had access to any of the songs I've sung at church or if there was a way to record my voice for an email attachment or something.
 Meanwhile, I shared with my husband my plan, my returned response and my frustration at not having the know-how to get this audio audition out quickly and easily to this interested person. His response annoyed me and reminded me once again that I have MS too.
Before, I couldn't follow through on such ideas because he was jealous of my time, of me.
Then it was, I had the responsibility of the kids.
And now every decision, every thing I want to do has to go through the MS filter. Will it take me away from home too long?  Will I be able to do it and still be home to take care of him? Have I considered this or thought of that? Why did I want this?
Seemed like a stupid question to me.

Ho Hum~

Life should be beginning anew at this stage in my life. But instead,
I'm at a standstill.
And so it goes.
Acceptance.
Everything has a reason.
Maybe this is my purpose.
And I should feel blessed and privileged to serve Christ in this way.

"Therefore, I urge you, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God-this is your spiritual act of worship."
                  ~

Still Learning

Well, it was a hard pill to swallow but when my son told me he thought I might make my husband feel like a burden from the story I told of our Mexican trip. I had to
STOP
and think

maybe he did but I didn't think so. ~~
             My story was told with a lightheartedness and a sense of humor as to how a single event can turn into a time consuming adventure when you're traveling with someone with special needs and disabilities. I told the story with a lot of detail so the  person listening could get the sense of how long the simplest tasks can  take and how quickly and easily things can go wrong.

Well,
I was reminded that my husband may be bothered by this so I promised my son I would ask him, sure-I would know  his answer. I mean heck if you can't laugh at life....
I mean what's the alternative?
Cry?

So I asked. And do you know what he said?
Not what I expected, that's for sure.
He said, that "yes, it did make him feel like a burden."
Did you see my face fall just now?
In my desire to cope with our shared circumstances and make light of them I was hurting my husband and he was wearing his humility silently.

Did you ever feel justified and like a heel at the same time?
Justified-because I was sure this was a healthy way to combat the frustration of caring for someone with his unique needs
and
like a heel -because I was wrong.

Now what?

To do justly
to love mercy and
to walk humbly with Thy God.

That is what the Lord requires of me.

Fail.

Well. So I learned something. I'm not always so fun to live with either. We love, we hurt, we break, we cry, we struggle, we apologize..."A righteous man falls seven times and rises again"
God  is still teaching me and I'm glad I can still hear

and change.

The Sounds...of Silence

The day started out pretty good. The cat left me alone for a good part of the morning and I was able to sleep until 8:30am. Kind of nice.
My husband must have slept well too, all through the night, which explains why I slept so solidly.
Pain didn't wake him.
But it didn't take long into the day before he was shutting himself out from the world as he dealt with the pain that did come.
We managed to get to church on time. And he managed to sleep through the message again, head down, leaning over
and over
and over - head pops back up right before he loses complete balance, for a moment and then it starts again.
We sat through lunch in silence. His head down once again.
Sometimes he was reading the newspaper, sometimes he was sleeping, sometimes he was just trying to relieve the pressure from the pain.
I don't say anything.
He doesn't answer much when he's like this.
So I just let him handle it alone. What can I do? I offered all the help I know how to give and it doesn't change anything. He's in pain and he doesn't think there is anything that can or will help.
So there you go.
I mean if I was in that much pain I would be looking for answers, for relief....whatever I could afford..anything within reason.
I don't get it.
Well anyway, he had offered to vacuum the kitchen yesterday, was in too much pain to do it but after taking some meds for his pain he seemed to think he could do it today.
So, that involves me getting the vacuum, me plugging it in and the him wheeling around in his electric wheelchair trying to do it. It's not a thorough job, it's not even usually a very good job but it gets the worst of the debris up off the ground but today
no.
When he asked me to move the vacuum to the area of the floor on the other side of the stove, I saw where he had been and asked him if it was done.
Oh my.
At that point, I just told him to go out into the other room and I would finish it up.

~pause~

Ho Hum.
There are just no words.

The rest of the day, I might as well lived alone.
No words from him.
I was baking and cleaning up in the kitchen with the music on.
Music that made me happy.
Music that made me want to dance. Music that made want to sing.
Music that made me not feel
so alone.

He had the TV on.
He slipped in and out of sleep.
His head was down.
He was quiet.
I guess he was alone too.
But he did not have silence.
He had the screaming of his body from the pain.
And he tried to silence it with his head down, with quietness and with sleep.

It's Time

March 15, 2016

Tonight's question:
"You don't feel loved, wanted or protected by me do you?"
I can't always deal with these questions when I first walk in the door. My focus is on greeting the dogs, getting changed, greeting him with a kiss, emptying urinals, and feeding the animals. Then, it's walking the animals and starting in on dinner. Answering a question he has pondered and fretted on all day deserves more than a quick, flippant answer in the midst of my daily, singly focused tasks.
We were going to an MS Support Group that night so I told him to ask me again on the ride over.
Of course, my busyness did not allow me to think on the question anymore and he hit me with it again as soon as the car hit reverse on the way out of the driveway.
And so, I paused and dragged out my words as I carefully considered how I would answer this delicate question.

MS has robbed my spouse of a lot of the things he took pride in: his physique, his stature, his athletic ability. And now he is questioning his value to me. He is having a hard time understanding that I just love him
for him.
I don't always understand it either. Perhaps, it is spiritual in nature, something beyond me and above me. Something that just can't be explained.
I used to say I loved him for his inner strength, only to find out it was all bravado masking insecurity.
He certainly has not been an easy person to love. He was a hot head given to outbursts of anger. He was critical and controlling and not given easy to laughter. He was hard on the kids on things that didn't really matter and he didn't keep his promises. He often made me cry and hurt me deeply. He was terribly jealous and never truly trusted me. He never seemed truly apologetic. In fact, I always had to tell him all he had to was apologize
  and so
he would just.... say the words.
I forgave him every time
anyway.
I tried to keep it from happening. But there was wedge of resentment that was constantly trying to grow between us.
So, as he has all this time to think and he reflects on our life together, these questions arise.
As he feels unlovable and unworthy, he wonders why I have stayed.
He wonders what role does he play now as more and more of his abilities are taken away.
His questions are justified but I can't answer it the way he needs.
I have determined to be honest with him. I have not white washed the hurt he has caused me over the years. I have not held back the truth as I have experienced it. It has not been easy for him to hear and I hurt for him
but he needs to know.
Maybe I'm wrong.
But part of me feels this is my time.
He has always made it about him.
He still is very self centered as he looks at life from his perspective of pain and of having this disease.
I get that. But it's time to step out of yourself if you truly want to make peace with your life and with your wife.
It's time.

Faith beyond a Monkey's Paw

March 8, 2016

I'm tired today.
My spouse seems tired everyday. Tired of the pain. Tired of having MS. Tired of the time he spends thinking about having MS. Tired of a life that does not offer him a whole lot of promise for the future.
But, do you know what? I'm tired of hearing about it.
"You have the damn disease now accept it and make the best of it."
Sounds cold.
He tells me I'd be the same way.
I don't think so.
I've taken what life has thrown at me and sought to see the positive. What choice do I have?
Life has not been what I have wanted it to be either, but there are bright spots. There is always hope. In fact, I just read from this little insert that came with our bulletin on Sunday. It was about marriage relationships but it can be applied to many things.

"When you have a chance to doubt or trust, you trust.
When you have a chance to give up or hope, you hope.
When you have a chance to quit or persevere, you persevere."

Seems like the better option to me.
But I don't live with perpetual pain and I don't have MS. I'm just the lucky recipient who lives with and is married to the guy who does.
 I didn't say love, did I?
 Well, I love him too, of course I do. It's not an easy love but it's not conditional either. It is definitely a bears all things , believes all things, endures all things kind of love. It has not been fairy tales and rainbows that is for sure. He has not been an easy man to love but I do.
More than anything I am disappointed and saddened by the love I have gotten in return
or haven't gotten from him.
And yet, I know he loves me, he just doesn't know how to show me in a way that makes feel ... adored.
As I told him, I'm living on a shoe string budget, maybe it's less than that
maybe it's an uncooked spaghetti noodle budget.
heavy sigh~
 Part of me does long for more. Part of me fantasizes for it during little snippets of time in my imagination. I wonder if a life of really being loved and taken care of will ever be in my future?
I dream...
but I doubt
because then I think of the many who have wished for things only to get a monkey's paw result.
(Anyone who ever watched Gene London growing up may understand the reference.)
                    -The monkey's paw was a talisman of sorts that was used to make a wish. The wish would be granted but there was always some kind of tragedy involved in the process, a punishment of sorts, I guess, for trying to rewrite fate or trying to change the natural course of the events of life.-

So I accept my fate. Because I can see how the difficulties in my life have made me a better person. I just wish my spouse would allow those things to help him as well.
Maybe he has/is.
Plants always grow underneath the soil first.

"After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you."

Waiting for that day.
For both of us.....

To sink or swim?

March 14th, 2016

"Don't make fun of me."
It wasn't pretty. In fact it was downright pathetic. But I guess that is what a man yells when he has been tortured all day, is already worrying about what tomorrow will bring and is scared because the pain is extending beyond his feet into his buttocks. What do I know? I'm not a pain expert. Not an MS expert. And not an expert to someone who may be depressed or who has other deep-seated issues.
He yelled this at me after I told him he was being dramatic because he yelled he needed help going to the bathroom right now.  But maybe it's not being dramatic considering the above. And, "no" I don't know how I would be if it were me but still... there just seems to be something more going on. He shook his walker, wanted to throw it, yelled at me and told me he didn't want my help now. And then told me he'd poop on the sofa. I mean, really? I walk in the door after being gone an hour and this is how I'm greeted. I did mock him at one point because he was spitting and slobbering while he was yelling about how I needed to get out there now. And I shouldn't have done that but it was quite the scene and I wanted to give him some perspective. ( I was there to help, he can relax and we'll get you to the bathroom) but instead it stirred up this carnal response of madness. Just seems  a little "off" to me.
This is beyond me.
-I can do it. Just not in my own strength.-
But really?
It's the psychological stuff I am not equipped to handle. I don't want to make things worse. And I think my pull-up-your-boot straps mentality is not always what he needs.
To be honest, I don't know what he needs.

On the other hand, I know what I don't need, people feeling sorry for me.
I mean I'm glad that they empathize with my struggles because so often the caregiver is forgotten.
But don't feel sorry for me. I don't have time, patience or room in my life for a pity party. That does not help me one iota. I have been given everything I need to handle my unique circumstance.

 " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." 

 What bother me is that my husband has been given all the tools he needs to persevere as well and instead of tapping into that he grabs onto me like he's drowning and I'm the rescue swimmer trying to save him. He'll keep clawing, pulling and holding onto me trying to stay afloat but in the process taking me down with him. As with any rescue swimmer, you are taught to kick them away and try  to keep them from climbing on top of you.
He may be drowning. But I am not going to be pulled underwater in the process of trying to help.
So I guess I kick him now and then.
I don't like it.
But it's survival.
This is all very emotionally draining stuff and until you experience it you can't imagine.
Do you turn cold-hearted in the process? Maybe. But it was never supposed to be that way. You are there to help not kick. But.....
well....
there you go....
I kick a man when he is down.
and I'm ok with that.
What does that make me?
Am I becoming a better person for going through this or an uglier person?
I don't know any more?

Talking it Out

3-1-2016

Everyday is a day of grieving.
I don't mean that in a depressing way but in a way of that makes peace with my/our circumstance.
In general, I'm glad I'm an optimistic person that doesn't waste  a lot of time worrying about things I have no control. But, at the same time, I have to be honest with myself, MS is slowly robbing my husband of hope, joy, ability, purpose, usefulness. This in turn, affects me.

Hi, my name is.... unimportant. I represent the many voices of those who are currently living to take care of someone else. I can't speak for all those voices but I can share the reality of my situation.
In 1994, my spouse was diagnosed with MS, an auto immune disorder that affects the brain, nervous system and the spinal column. There is no cure and MS seems to affect everybody a little differently. Time is not on your side. The longer you have it, the more likely you will continue to decline.
In the beginning, my spouse had only nominal symptoms: dizziness, numbness in fingers and toes, tired for no reason but as the years progressed, 21 years later, he is suffering. I've used that word because...he is suffering....mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally. He is in pain daily. He struggles daily. He's been humiliated. He has agonized. He has questioned. He wonders why? He doesn't look forward to the rising or the setting of the sun because each day is just more of the same: pain, aggravation, frustration, humility. I can't imagine and yet I am cold to it at times. Perhaps it is my self defense mechanism. Perhaps, I think he is reaping what he has sown. Perhaps, I think life is teaching him what he could not learn anyway else. Perhaps...but I don't know. We look for answers. We look for relief. We look for escape. We look to a future that may be as bleak as the present we are experiencing.
This is the life of a caregiver. Able to care, able to meet needs the person they help can't take care of themselves but torn because we're so aware of what life could be like without them. Eyes closed, freedom is ever fleeting, knowing with eyes open reality is staring back. Your loyalty, love, commitment, faith all keep you bound to a life of service but....the greener grass always beckons.

I laugh. I smile. I can still do those things but there is an awareness that the effort it takes for my spouse to do those things is never wholly genuine. The pain has robbed him of this. But  he has never been like a spent dandelion blossom blowing freely in the wind but rather like an aged oak tree stationed in one place for many years. He worries, he thinks, he stresses. Perhaps this is why this disease developed in him. Another reason not to worry, it can make you sick. Sick with worry, a phrase that takes on new meaning.

Anyway I hope for this blog to be as an encouragement to others. You're not alone. You can still laugh. Faith will carry you far, whatever.
But the bottom line is I'm doing this for me, to bleed myself like  a leach by writing and feeling the ugliness, selfishness being pulled out of me until I can accept my fate and be at peace with this life I've been given and become a more beautiful person in the process.

Going the Extra Mile

This time last year I was taking daily train rides into the city from my daughter's place. I had uprooted our pets and myself and moved in with her and her husband since my husband was moved to an acute rehab facility away from our home.
 I went to see him everyday.
My sole focus everyday was him.
From the train I had to walk close to a mile to get to his location. I did this in the cold, snowy months of February and March.
Everyday.
Sub zero temperatures, wind, ice, snow, melting snow-slush, walking back and forth, sometimes running to catch the train.
I took home his dirty clothes. I brought back his clean clothes that I freshly laundered after I got home.
And I sat with him.
 I followed him to physical therapy and watched each session.
 I learned how to hook up the feeding tube.
I read him his mail. I read from the Bible. I read from books.
 I encouraged.
 I did my hair and makeup and brought a cheery disposition.
 I made sure he brushed his teeth.
I emptied urinals.
 By his side.
Bills piled up and I had to take care of those.
If he asked for it, I bought it.
 I took care of everything without complaint.

This last time he was in the hospital changed him. Changed us. Changed our lives. Changed my life.

This time last year I was supposed to go to Atlantic City for the election board convention. I don't really have to go but it's a nice perk. I get out of the office for 4-5 days and I don't have to cook. I have a room and some time to myself. I may learn something. But more than anything, it's a break

from my life.

Last year I couldn't go because I was doing  the hospital thing. This year I can't go because of my life.
As I said, our life has been changed.
My husband is more dependent on me. He is less mobile and he doesn't drive anymore. Emptying urinals is now part of my regular routine. As is helping him with lots of other tasks that require my assistance including helping him with a shower.
I couldn't leave him. He needs me.
And sometime, in the future I may find it very difficult to work and leave him home alone for long periods of times.
I don't know.
"For me to live is Christ."
These word are found in the Bible and also in a song I'm singing in church this week.
I guess this is what you call -fleshing it out.
Living a life of faith is living a life of sacrifice.
I guess I just thought my sacrifice would be for more than one person or wouldn't involve so much......
sacrificing....ha ha
We're so naïve.

March10, 2016