To sink or swim?

March 14th, 2016

"Don't make fun of me."
It wasn't pretty. In fact it was downright pathetic. But I guess that is what a man yells when he has been tortured all day, is already worrying about what tomorrow will bring and is scared because the pain is extending beyond his feet into his buttocks. What do I know? I'm not a pain expert. Not an MS expert. And not an expert to someone who may be depressed or who has other deep-seated issues.
He yelled this at me after I told him he was being dramatic because he yelled he needed help going to the bathroom right now.  But maybe it's not being dramatic considering the above. And, "no" I don't know how I would be if it were me but still... there just seems to be something more going on. He shook his walker, wanted to throw it, yelled at me and told me he didn't want my help now. And then told me he'd poop on the sofa. I mean, really? I walk in the door after being gone an hour and this is how I'm greeted. I did mock him at one point because he was spitting and slobbering while he was yelling about how I needed to get out there now. And I shouldn't have done that but it was quite the scene and I wanted to give him some perspective. ( I was there to help, he can relax and we'll get you to the bathroom) but instead it stirred up this carnal response of madness. Just seems  a little "off" to me.
This is beyond me.
-I can do it. Just not in my own strength.-
But really?
It's the psychological stuff I am not equipped to handle. I don't want to make things worse. And I think my pull-up-your-boot straps mentality is not always what he needs.
To be honest, I don't know what he needs.

On the other hand, I know what I don't need, people feeling sorry for me.
I mean I'm glad that they empathize with my struggles because so often the caregiver is forgotten.
But don't feel sorry for me. I don't have time, patience or room in my life for a pity party. That does not help me one iota. I have been given everything I need to handle my unique circumstance.

 " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." 

 What bother me is that my husband has been given all the tools he needs to persevere as well and instead of tapping into that he grabs onto me like he's drowning and I'm the rescue swimmer trying to save him. He'll keep clawing, pulling and holding onto me trying to stay afloat but in the process taking me down with him. As with any rescue swimmer, you are taught to kick them away and try  to keep them from climbing on top of you.
He may be drowning. But I am not going to be pulled underwater in the process of trying to help.
So I guess I kick him now and then.
I don't like it.
But it's survival.
This is all very emotionally draining stuff and until you experience it you can't imagine.
Do you turn cold-hearted in the process? Maybe. But it was never supposed to be that way. You are there to help not kick. But.....
well....
there you go....
I kick a man when he is down.
and I'm ok with that.
What does that make me?
Am I becoming a better person for going through this or an uglier person?
I don't know any more?