It's Time

March 15, 2016

Tonight's question:
"You don't feel loved, wanted or protected by me do you?"
I can't always deal with these questions when I first walk in the door. My focus is on greeting the dogs, getting changed, greeting him with a kiss, emptying urinals, and feeding the animals. Then, it's walking the animals and starting in on dinner. Answering a question he has pondered and fretted on all day deserves more than a quick, flippant answer in the midst of my daily, singly focused tasks.
We were going to an MS Support Group that night so I told him to ask me again on the ride over.
Of course, my busyness did not allow me to think on the question anymore and he hit me with it again as soon as the car hit reverse on the way out of the driveway.
And so, I paused and dragged out my words as I carefully considered how I would answer this delicate question.

MS has robbed my spouse of a lot of the things he took pride in: his physique, his stature, his athletic ability. And now he is questioning his value to me. He is having a hard time understanding that I just love him
for him.
I don't always understand it either. Perhaps, it is spiritual in nature, something beyond me and above me. Something that just can't be explained.
I used to say I loved him for his inner strength, only to find out it was all bravado masking insecurity.
He certainly has not been an easy person to love. He was a hot head given to outbursts of anger. He was critical and controlling and not given easy to laughter. He was hard on the kids on things that didn't really matter and he didn't keep his promises. He often made me cry and hurt me deeply. He was terribly jealous and never truly trusted me. He never seemed truly apologetic. In fact, I always had to tell him all he had to was apologize
  and so
he would just.... say the words.
I forgave him every time
anyway.
I tried to keep it from happening. But there was wedge of resentment that was constantly trying to grow between us.
So, as he has all this time to think and he reflects on our life together, these questions arise.
As he feels unlovable and unworthy, he wonders why I have stayed.
He wonders what role does he play now as more and more of his abilities are taken away.
His questions are justified but I can't answer it the way he needs.
I have determined to be honest with him. I have not white washed the hurt he has caused me over the years. I have not held back the truth as I have experienced it. It has not been easy for him to hear and I hurt for him
but he needs to know.
Maybe I'm wrong.
But part of me feels this is my time.
He has always made it about him.
He still is very self centered as he looks at life from his perspective of pain and of having this disease.
I get that. But it's time to step out of yourself if you truly want to make peace with your life and with your wife.
It's time.