But that is challenged when I walk through the door of my home.
If it's a good day, I'll hear my name called out in an excited voice announcing my return.
If it's not then the responses vary and I feel my countenance drop.
Maybe the dogs will be yelled at for barking. Then that will be followed up by a complaint that, "my dogs have barked all day."
Maybe I'll be told, "I won't be walking the dogs with you; I haven't been able to move all day."
Or I'll just be greeted with silence.
Questions I ask will be answered softly and with one word if possible. The only sounds at dinner will be clinking of forks and knives and the evening is so quiet it feels like a morgue.
This all is the result of his chronic pain.
The anger is when he has had enough.
The depression- when he feels hopeless.
The withdraw- when he's trying to manage it, on his own, in the darkness of his mind because he really is still angry, still depressed but is tired of those feelings.
My response is varied as well. But mostly I'm disappointed and frustrated. Disappointed because I want him to be in a good mood. Frustrated because he is not.
I can't change him. He does not accept my encouragement. My good mood is not contagious. My positive responses are met with negative ones...or none at all. I begin to wonder my purpose in all of this. He must wonder too. Wonder why he has such a cruel disease that is taking away his independence and plagues him daily with pain
How do we make sense of these things?
If this is all there was, it would be a cruel life indeed. Some are blessed with health, fortune, fame, etc And others, well, sorry. You spun the dial and got tragedy, death, illness. Then we all die and that is it. Pointless. Now that is something to be angry about. And that is depressing. Why bother? Fate has chosen and you lose.
But, if there is more....
then these words present hope and purpose take on eternal meaning. For this life is temporary and a test for the next, eternal life.
"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe."
"But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body."
" Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
Peace, joy, involvement.
I wish I could give him these things but he must choose them
while trusting.
Better things await.
