Lord, I don't know what to do anymore.
I try to encourage.
I try to help.
I research and look for answers.
I follow along on any path that might lead to help.
I try and be positive, happy.
When there are problems, conflicts, I try to work to resolve them. I push. I tug. I plead. I beg. I reason.
But none of it is received, none of it works.
I'm kept at a distance. I'm shut out.
I'm alone.
I've prayed. I've talked. I've cried. I've mourned. I've changed. I've read and studied. I've sought help.
And still...
here I am
and there he is
and then there is the us.
The us,
together 33 years and yet still so far apart. What should I be doing different?
Results oriented. Maybe that's my problem. I want a response and I'm not getting one. I just need to continue to love and serve and let God do the rest but
but
but
but
Oh, there's no other way to say it. I guess I don't really trust God either if I think he needs my help to bring about results.
Actually, that's not it. I don't think God needs my help. but it's hard to care and to keep giving and to want to help and have it not received.
It's so hard.
Not physically hard but emotionally because my flesh, my spirit, my heart
feels rejected. And I wonder about my purpose.
My life seems on hold while he works it out and there's nothing I can do to hasten the process.
But trust and pray and be faithful
and trust some more.
I know it's not true but I've entertained the thought that God loves David more. I'm one of the 99 sheep he leaves to go get the lost
one.
99 sheep left to fend for themselves while The Shepherd searches for the lost
one.
Help me Lord. Help me to continue to love, trust and serve even if there are never any results.
My life is not my own anyway so what can I be missing. Perhaps, in the end I will gain. But my prayer,
more than anything
is that
he gains.
And so I guess my
I's
don't' matter.
