Talking it Out

3-1-2016

Everyday is a day of grieving.
I don't mean that in a depressing way but in a way of that makes peace with my/our circumstance.
In general, I'm glad I'm an optimistic person that doesn't waste  a lot of time worrying about things I have no control. But, at the same time, I have to be honest with myself, MS is slowly robbing my husband of hope, joy, ability, purpose, usefulness. This in turn, affects me.

Hi, my name is.... unimportant. I represent the many voices of those who are currently living to take care of someone else. I can't speak for all those voices but I can share the reality of my situation.
In 1994, my spouse was diagnosed with MS, an auto immune disorder that affects the brain, nervous system and the spinal column. There is no cure and MS seems to affect everybody a little differently. Time is not on your side. The longer you have it, the more likely you will continue to decline.
In the beginning, my spouse had only nominal symptoms: dizziness, numbness in fingers and toes, tired for no reason but as the years progressed, 21 years later, he is suffering. I've used that word because...he is suffering....mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally. He is in pain daily. He struggles daily. He's been humiliated. He has agonized. He has questioned. He wonders why? He doesn't look forward to the rising or the setting of the sun because each day is just more of the same: pain, aggravation, frustration, humility. I can't imagine and yet I am cold to it at times. Perhaps it is my self defense mechanism. Perhaps, I think he is reaping what he has sown. Perhaps, I think life is teaching him what he could not learn anyway else. Perhaps...but I don't know. We look for answers. We look for relief. We look for escape. We look to a future that may be as bleak as the present we are experiencing.
This is the life of a caregiver. Able to care, able to meet needs the person they help can't take care of themselves but torn because we're so aware of what life could be like without them. Eyes closed, freedom is ever fleeting, knowing with eyes open reality is staring back. Your loyalty, love, commitment, faith all keep you bound to a life of service but....the greener grass always beckons.

I laugh. I smile. I can still do those things but there is an awareness that the effort it takes for my spouse to do those things is never wholly genuine. The pain has robbed him of this. But  he has never been like a spent dandelion blossom blowing freely in the wind but rather like an aged oak tree stationed in one place for many years. He worries, he thinks, he stresses. Perhaps this is why this disease developed in him. Another reason not to worry, it can make you sick. Sick with worry, a phrase that takes on new meaning.

Anyway I hope for this blog to be as an encouragement to others. You're not alone. You can still laugh. Faith will carry you far, whatever.
But the bottom line is I'm doing this for me, to bleed myself like  a leach by writing and feeling the ugliness, selfishness being pulled out of me until I can accept my fate and be at peace with this life I've been given and become a more beautiful person in the process.