Yes, I'm Angry

June 13th, 2016

Yes. I can finally admit it. I'm angry. For a certain amount of investment there should be a certain amount of return. And I'm not getting it. And it's not fair.

     "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction."

     "Do not be deceived God is not mocked. A man reaps what he sows."

    " Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do  not give up."

Well, it's been a long time. Married thirty-two years and still waiting to have that husband that loves me, protects me, supports me and shows it. Words mean nothing without action. Especially when those words have lied before by making promises that are not kept. Especially when that pride still gets angry and wants to pretend none of those dark days have occurred by saying, "let's just move on and forget them."

Well, I'd like to but I have still not received my pound of flesh. I have still not received a changed life, heart. I still have not received humility, continued humility for the hurt, the wounds, the scars....
Scars that I would like to heal. Scars that I wish were not there. Scars that didn't have to be there. Scars that deserve to be soothed not irritated. Damn it! Damn it anyway.

Yes, he apologized. Yes, he's trying to do better. Yes. Yes. Yes.
But...
I'm left with the memories and I'm left with the wounds that he doesn't want to acknowledge by always wanting to move on. He wants to move on because he does not want to look at what he's done. He doesn't want to dwell on it. He doesn't want to think about it. But by doing that he is saying to me, "your pain doesn't matter and mine does". I know that seems silly. But I need more from him. I need to know he'll hold me through the pain. That he hurts with me. That he is truly regretful and will NEVER do anything again to hurt me. That he was wrong. I don't care how many times I have to slay the dragon. Each time he should be there to say again, how sorry he was.

~sigh~

You know, I always felt so stupid for putting up with everything, for staying with someone who was angry and stressed all the time. I don't like to feel stupid. and I don't like how he made me feel all those years. And I still don't like "the now". Alone, tired, used. Very little encouragement. Listening but not hearing me. So much weight put on my shoulders. A lot of responsibility. Too much reliance on me and not stretching himself.

Not a pretty picture, huh?

When a man loves a woman, Ha!
How 'bout when a woman loves a man?
Or when a woman loves God and wants to faithfully serve Him but still has all these flesh like thoughts?
What do you do with them?